To the Mommy's at Heart

As my first Mother's Day approaches I've had many thoughts on Motherhood. First of all, I'm so grateful to be a mommy to the sweetest, most precious, energetic, funny, adorable little 8 month old girl that I am blessed to call my daughter. Second, I have a new appreciation and sincere thankfulness for my mom. Both for how she cared for and raised me when I was younger and now how she helped me when Eliana was born and how she loves on my daughter when we are together.

Lastly, I remember the not so great feelings that Mother's Day brought up in the past. Mother's Day is a reminder to some women of their deepest heart's desire to be a mommy and the fact that no matter what they do their arms are still empty.  The past couple of weeks my heart has been heavy for these women and their husbands who struggle with infertility. Our journey through infertility didn't last as long as it has for some. Only 2 years, but I remember the ache of just wanting a baby of our own to rock to sleep at night, to hold in my arms and stare at for as long as I wanted, to be able to see my husband hold our sleeping child. I remember the excitement of finding out we were pregnant and the unexplainable grief when there was no heartbeat on the ultrasound. I know my husband remembers the nights in bed hearing me try to hide my crying (again) and holding me close because that was the only way he knew how to comfort me.

Several times this week I've heard the song Blessings by Laura Story on the radio. This song has a special place in my heart. The first time I heard it I was driving home after getting lab work done that would basically tell us if we had definitely lost our first baby. Here is just a portion of the song, the chorus and last verse:

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops

What if your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy

What if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are your mercies in disguise

Obviously I needed to hear this at that time. No matter what we are going through, it is part of God's will for our life. Trials are blessings, maybe not visible at the time you are going through them, but if you are a true believer in Jesus Christ and trust Him, you will see the blessing. You will come to understand His grace, mercy and peace if you seek Him through the trial.

These are not exactly memories I desire to relive, but its important for me to remember. I know what the Lord brought us through was not just a, "and this too shall pass" moment. Yes we may not battle with infertility today, but all of those tears and triumphs were for a greater purpose. As believers in a Sovereign God we must give Him glory! And we do! We give Him glory for the grace He bestowed on us through times when I have no other explanation for the peace we had. We give Him glory for others we have been able to Biblically encourage because of what He brought us through. We give Him glory for teaching us through His Word how to trust Him and His will.  We give Him glory for our precious Eliana and the unexpected blessing of the child I now carry.

Even though I've been through infertility, I sometimes find it difficult to know how to encourage other women who are going through this trial. I remember that words just sometimes didn't cut it. I appreciated the kindness, sensitivity and encouragement from others, but the only thing that really brought me comfort was scripture.

"You are good and what you do is good, teach me your decrees." 

Psalm 119:68

After we miscarried, a friend of mine who had miscarried several times, told me that when I was reading the Bible to underline, date and notate any verse that the Lord used to encourage me specifically about the baby we lost. That was some of the best advice, because I go back and reference those verses often to share with others. Now when I read the bible and I come across one of those verses, it is a reminder of the Lord's goodness and sovereignty.

"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we 

may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."

Hebrews 4:16

I pray the Lord uses this post to encourage those whose arms are empty on this Mother's day. I also hope that it gives some perspective to others who might know someone struggling through infertility.  If you are walking through your own journey of infertility and feel comfortable enough to share, I would love to pray with you and for you. To read more about our struggle and blessings with infertility read this post.

Surprise Blessing #2

Most of you probably have already heard that the Lord has blessed us with Baby #2 to arrive in November! First off I'll answer the 2 most popular questions:

1. No it wasn't planned. At least not in our plan, but it was in God's and that's the plan we desire.
2. Yes we know how it happened. :)

Back in March I had a week where I just thought I lacked motivation to get anything done.  I found myself sitting on the couch totally zoning out.  Towards the end of that week I started to feel nauseous and I considered pregnancy, but really didn't think it would be this easy for me to get pregnant. On Friday of that week I decided to take a test and before I had time to blink, those 2 little lines showed up!  I took another test just to make sure it wasn't a fluke! Unlike our first pregnancy when I wrapped a cute little baby outfit and gave it to Brendan to open and be surprised, I called my husband immediately at work.  Yep, he was surprised too!

We spent Easter at my in-laws with my parents and younger sister joining us.  We still wanted to wait to tell our family. As I was packing the night before we left, my sweet husband said, "You better pack some baggy clothes! You've got a belly already!" Really I didn't believe him, or maybe I was just in denial. After all I was only like 8 weeks along. On our drive home from Easter I was talking on the phone with another sister and told her our news. Later that evening she was talking to my mom who told her, "If I didn't know better I'd think Sara was pregnant." So I got a text and we went ahead and told our families. I then accepted the fact that yes, I was already showing and there was no hiding this pregnancy.

I have to say that the past several weeks have been pretty exhausting, but I'm amazed at how the Lord's grace sustains me. I'm still nursing so that adds to the normal fatigue during the first trimester. Then it took us about a week of very little sleep to realize that due to pregnancy hormones my milk is drying up. So supplementing here we come! That also means a baby who sleeps through the night now! Yeah!

Life over the next.....well for a while is going to be full of change, surprise, sleepless nights, sleepy smiles, newborn cuddles, crawling, walking, a first birthday, oh and so much more.

Here are a few more pictures of our "photo session" with Eliana.

Believing Faith

Yikes! It sure has been a while since I've blogged! Well, I have a cute little excuse. She's 6 months old, FULL of personality, louder than her mom and dad combined, giver of lots of smiles, and just my favorite little human being!

Ok, I couldn't blog without a little love for my girl. But I wanted to write about something the Lord has been in my face about this past week.  A week ago at our family small group we talked about worry, then my mom sent me a sermon on worry, and then our church had a ladies seminar they touched on the subject of worry.  When I heard the message about worry for the third time...well I started to worry! What!?! I found myself thinking, "Oh dear, if the Lord is this intent on teaching me about worry, that must mean there is a lesson ahead for me to implement what I'm learning." Seriously! I can't believe I was worrying about worry!

I'm not typically a worrier. In fact in my family I'm the optimist and my husband is the pessimist... or maybe more of a realist. Which is a good match for both of us. Even though I don't think I worry all that much,  now that I'm a mom, well...let the worrying begin.  Is she still breathing? What's that spot on her face? Did she get enough to eat? Will she be kind when she's older? Will I teach the Bible to her well? Will she come to know the Lord? I'm sure I'm not the only mom who has worried about the same things.

At the Ladies seminar, one of the speakers said something that really knocked the air out of me.

"Faith that is weak is manifested in worry." 

Whew! If my faith is week, it means I'm worrying.  As a believer in the Sovereign God, I believe that He sent His son, Jesus Christ to the earth as fully man and fully God. He sent Him to die for my sins, so that I don't have to pay for my own sins by eternal separation from God.  I completely believe that, and yet I still worry and try to control life's circumstances. 

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of 

the field grow. They do not labor or spin.  Yet I tell you that not 

even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 

If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here 

today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more 

clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall 

we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the 

pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows 

that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, 

and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry 

about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has 

enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:28-31

I love the last part of that verse. "Don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." This verse reminds me of all the "What ifs" that seem to plague my worrisome thoughts.  Dwelling on the "what ifs" never produce any good, they only contribute to our weak faith. We have no way of predicting what is going to happen, so why do we try and predict the worst outcome of whatever situation we are going through.  

Throughout the past 2 years I have been amazed at the sovereignty of the Lord.  We have walked in faith and He has blessed.  Was it always easy to trust and believe? No! But spending time in His Word, hearing His truth, and experiencing His grace results in a joy-filled and peaceful life on this earth. Peace through the storm. Peace that passes all understanding. Do you know what it's like to have joy and peace amidst some tough circumstances? I believe this is part of what having a believing faith looks like.  I've realized when I replace my "weak faith" thoughts with Truth from the Bible this is where my peace and joy come from.  

Ok, these are just some of my thoughts, I hope they make sense. :)  If you would like to hear more about Believing faith, I recommend that you go to the following links and listen to the speakers at our Ladies Seminar.

What is Believing Faith

Believing Faith in Practice

Christmas Things

Thought I would post a few Christmas decorations I put up this year. I didn't spend a dime on anything new except for some lights when we discovered half our tree lights were out. I was pretty proud of myself. In fact I have a whole box of Christmas stuff I would really like to get rid of. Trying to simplify...

I was inspired by a friends table decorations at our church brunch so I went
around my house and started collecting things. There are red jingle
bells in the blue mason jar and cranberries in the clear jar.

I've been looking for a cute way to display all our Christmas cards. I saw this on Pinterest
and made it my own.  I used a large embroidery hoop ($3.79 at Hobby Lobby) and
clothes pins (you can get a large pack for $1 at Dollar Tree). I hot glued the clothes pins
about every 2 inches rotating end that clips to the inside and out. It worked great!

Our Melissa & Doug Nativity Set.  Brendan's mom got this for us last year in hopes
we would have a little one to enjoy it this year.  Little did she know I had my
suspicions we would! I can't wait till Ellie is old enough for us to talk about
the Nativity and share the story of Christ's birth with her.

Brendan's grandmother passed away when he was a freshman in college. She had
started to make all her grandkids a tree skirt for when they had families. She had
all the pieces cut out, but not assembled. Brendan's mom found the pieces and sewed
it all together and this is the first year we got to use it.  Very special to us!

And the best Christmas present of all.....

A First Christmas

Its the first week of January and my tree is still up, decorated and the lights are on.  I just can't bring myself to put it away yet. Its hard to believe that my girl's first Christmas is over! (cue weepy sentimental momma).  It was a wonderful Christmas.  We had Brendan to ourselves for a full 11 days!  Ok, so we shared him with family and hunting, but it was so wonderful for our family to be together.

We traveled to Oklahoma to spend Christmas with my family for 6 days.  All of my sisters were able to be home and it was so fun having everyone together.  My dad bought a puzzle to have just sitting out and hoped some would enjoy putting it together.  Well I learned that my husband LOVES doing puzzles. We had to make a run to the store to get a second puzzle. I didn't participate in the puzzle making, but I was cracking up at them because they were high-fiving and giving each other updates on the puzzle.

All the MEN in the family

Whenever we are in Oklahoma we try to go to our old Church, Heritage Baptist, to see our friends, but really they are like family. We went to our friends', the Williams, house for breakfast before church. No there is no relation by blood, just brothers and sisters in Christ. We had fun seeing their handsome boys and having all the Williams' kiddos together.

Mathias, Silas, Isaiah, Ezra and Eliana

On Christmas Eve we went bowling with the whole fam, minus one brother-in-law who works retail and had to work :(.  Its pretty fun and sad....sad because half of us were complaining we were sore the next day from bowling...very sad.  Brendan and I were playing with my sister Natalie and her husband Evan. Check out our scores! After bowling we all attended the Christmas Eve service at Henderson Hills Baptist Church and then went to my brother-in-law's parents house for dinner.

The boys scores were identical and so were the girls!

L to R: Aunt E (Eithel), Dad (Max), Mom (Diane), Mary (sister#4), Emily (sister#2), Evan, Natalie (sister#3), Me (with my eyes closed), Brendan and Ellie

Of course the center of attention was Eliana. Being the first grandbaby/niece has its perks. Like a mound of gifts and more clothes than this girl will ever be able to wear.

In front of ALL her presents

See, I wasn't kidding, a MOUND of gifts

She was sooo tired. We opened her gifts first so she could go down for a nap.
I'm sure she was so glad she got to see all those gifts. :)

She was the star of the show the entire week.  Every time I walked into the room with her an aunt or grandparent had their arms out waiting to hold her. She did so good with all the attention and surprisingly I didn't have too much "de-programming" to do. She traveled relatively good, I mean how much can you ask of a 3 month old when you stick her in a carseat for over 3 hours.

Just a few more pictures....

Pretty sure she won Uncle Evan over and I'm pretty sure there is
some camo and cowgirl boots in her future.

Aunt Mary and Ellie's mid-morning nap

 I told my husband that I honestly didn't need anything for Christmas.  I have everything I need and want...ok, well I would take a dishwasher if someone just had to get me something. But seriously, there were so many times over the holidays that I would look at my hubby and daughter and choke back tears because I feel so overwhelmingly blessed.  Last December was bittersweet because it was the month we would have had a baby had we not miscarried, but it turned out to be the month we found out we were expecting our Eliana.  The Lord is so good and I am constantly reminded of that every time I look at my daughter and husband.

Happy New Year from the Williams!

{and yes we like flannel}

Ponderings from a new mom.....

Being the oldest of 4 girls and the first to have a grandchild on my side, I began thinking of advice that I would tell my sisters when they have their first baby.  I've told them that I already broke several of my "rules" that I had set before Eliana was born. Like......

• At hospital my baby will room in ONLY. ha...it took less than 4 hours for me to realize that all those moms who advised me to take advantage of the hospital nursery were 110% right.  During the first 2 hours of sleep, my aching body was out of bed 3 times to check on the baby because I heard her make a little sound or I needed to make sure she was still breathing or she started crying because she got her little arm out of her swaddling. Then I woke poor sleeping daddy to check on her once because I just couldn't make my legs move anymore. We both agreed she would go to the nursery....best thing I ever did. We both got MUCH NEEDED sleep. Our first night home, with the baby finally asleep, we looked at each other and said, "no nursery anymore" :( Bless those nursery nurses for taking care of my baby!
• I won't use the pacifier.... when you have a screaming baby and can't calm her down, the pacifier becomes your sanity saver.  I also said I wouldn't let her have it in bed....yeah she gets it in bed. 
• I'll be tough and let her cry herself to sleep. I'm tough....for about 2 minutes and then I can't stand it any longer.  I've become tougher, or as Brendan would say, my heart has become cold. :)  I do let her cry a little longer than 2 minutes, but sometimes the girl just needs her momma.

Nursing is natural; the way God designed it; the best for baby.... then why is it so darn difficult! We spent Eliana's first 6 weeks with a lactation consultant. For 6 weeks for e.v.e.r.y. feeding we nursed, pumped and fed her a bottle.  Each feeding lasted about an hour or more.  EXHAUSTING!   I'm so glad that for the first 2 weeks my mother in-law and my mom were there to help out. They would even get up for the night time feedings. Bless their hearts, they were so helpful! Around 7 weeks baby girl finally caught on to nursing and by 8 weeks the bottle was a thing of the past! So were night time feedings! Hello 8 straight hours of glorious sleep! It seriously does a body good!

In the first few weeks you spend most of your time consoling a crying baby, feeding your baby, changing your baby, or putting baby to sleep.  All the while trying to find a spare 15 minutes to take a shower just so you can feel human! More common advice from moms is to, "Sleep when baby sleeps." And ladies if you follow any advice follow this! It makes a much happier momma, a happier daddy, and just a happier home!  One day I didn't get a nap and I was a basket case! So my hubby became the nap nazi. He always asked me when he got home from work if I took a nap that day.  I really didn't stop taking naps until she started sleeping through the night. 

Here are some of my top picks on must have's for new mom's...ok, maybe you don't have to have them, but they made my life a little easier.

When parents tell you to, "Enjoy them because it flies by before you know it," listen to them.  I can't believe that I have a 2 month old!  Every day is different than the day before. The sweet noises of a cooing baby that fill my home put a smile on my face and tears of joy in my eyes

Eliana's Birth Story

On Friday, August 31, as I was making dinner I noticed I was having a few contractions.  I told Brendan, "I think this baby is coming this weekend." I'm pretty sure I saw a look of terror cross his face.  As we watched a movie that night I began timing them on a very helpful phone app.  As the evening progressed the contractions became less frequent. So I reassured Brendan that I probably would not go into labor tonight. I'm pretty sure he let out a HUGE sigh of relief.

On Saturday, September 1st I woke up with a small amount of bleeding, so I called the on call midwife and she reassured me that it was probably ok, but to call if it got worse.  We had breakfast and then I had Brendan go to Hobby Lobby with me to finish up an Etsy order that I had received. It was at that point that I noticed my contractions were getting closer together and started timing them around noon.  My contractions were staying at about 7-8 minutes apart. They grabbed my attention, but were bearable. Around 4pm I had a larger amount of bleeding so I called the on call midwife again and she told me to go ahead and come into the hospital.  I told Brendan and his response..."It's Go Time!"

So at 5 pm we got admitted into our labor and delivery room.  They hooked me up to monitor my contractions and the baby's heartbeat.  During a few contractions the baby's heartbeat dropped which caused the nurse some concern.  It didn't drop during every contraction so they never really said that she was in distress.  They wanted to keep me overnight and basically just told us to rest. Which is easier said than done on a hospital bed and a pull out couch.

The next morning on Sunday, September 2nd, they resumed monitoring contractions and baby's heartbeat with the expectation of sending me home. The baby's heartbeat did the same drop during a few contractions.  After consulting with the on-call doctor and midwife they recommended that my water be broken and they start me on Pitocin. I was ok with breaking my water, but I did not want Pitocin, I had heard that this medicine made contractions super intense.  Because my goal was to deliver without pain meds I wanted to avoid it at all costs.  At 11am they broke my water and my nurse agreed to let me go for a while before I started the Pitocin.  After a walk around the hallways, my contractions went from 7-8 minutes to 4-5 minutes apart and much more intense.  At this point I have no concept of time.  My contractions grew closer together and more intense through out the day. I was also experiencing back labor this whole time because baby's chin wasn't tucked and she was posterior.  So we tried several different positions in hopes she would turn.  My incredible husband was by my side the entire time, helping me breathe, applying pressure to my back, rubbing my neck, getting me water.  He was an awesome coach and teammate!  I was also blessed with a great nurse who was there with us her entire 12 hour shift.  If Brendan was counting breaths for me, she was applying pressure to my back and vice versa.

As I reached transition and was dilated to 7cm, I begged them to let me in the jacuzzi. The midwife agreed and I was able to relax a little better during the contractions.  I think I was in there about an hour. This hour helped me prepare mentally for what was ahead.  Because the jets were so loud I had to count and breathe on my own.  I also began saying a prayer during every contraction, just reminding myself that I had the Lord's strength and what more did I need than that.

After I got out of the jacuzzi I hadn't dilated much and so they wanted to start a small dose of Pitocin.  I agreed, but don't think I really needed it, because before I knew it (or at least according to my concept of time) I was dilated to 9cm and then felt the sudden urge to push.  I asked Brendan if this part went as fast as I remembered it and he said no. Oh well, I guess I'm glad it felt like it went fast. :)  Brendan's worse fear was that I would need to push and no one would be in the room.  Sure enough that's what happened.  As soon as our nurse walked in, he said very calmly with some slight urgency, "She wants to PUSH!".  And thus began the hour and a half pushing session.

On a side note: My nurse's shift was to end at 7:00pm.  I told her to come by and visit the next day to see the baby.  She said, " Honey I'm not going anywhere until this baby is born."  So she clocked out at 7pm and stayed with me until Eliana was born.

Towards the end they told me to reach down and feel my baby's head which gave me much motivation, not to mention the excruciating pain!  At 8:05pm on Sunday September 2nd, I heard the words, "Sara reach down and get your baby!" Immediately she was on my chest and I was staring at the most beautiful baby I've ever seen.  She didn't even cry, she was so quiet, looking at me wide eyed with those adorable chubby cheeks. Both Brendan and I were overcome with emotion at this tiny blessing. She was FINALLY here! 

Seeing my daughter for the first time.

Our beautiful blessing, only minutes old

After a while I finally had the clarity of mind to let Brendan hold her.  Oh my goodness, seeing my husband hold our baby for the first time melts me into a puddle and still does!

First time to hold his daughter

First day home and already napping together

After we were home for a few days I began finding out I had some prayer warriors praying for me during the time I was pushing.

A couple days after we were home I noticed a voice mail on my phone and listened to it.  It was my neighbor, Heather, calling at 8:17pm on Sunday, September 2nd to tell me she and her husband were praying for us thinking about us and just wanted to let me know that.  Little did she know she was praying me through the hardest part!

My youngest sister, Mary, told us that several minutes before she received the text that Eliana was born she felt the sudden need to pray and she was praying hard, like crying/lifting her hands/ come to Jesus moment! Definitely interceding for us! After she was done praying she looked at her phone and saw that Eliana was here and thus more tears!

I know all our family was praying for us as Brendan was updating them throughout the day.  What a blessing to know so many were praying us through one of the hardest things we have ever done! I know that there is no way I could have done this without the Lord's strength!