Moments I'll Never Get Back

Lately my little girl has fought hard against taking naps. Which usually involves me going into her room to comfort her and then rock her to sleep. On those busy days where I would like to get a lot done during her naps this would bother me, but lately I've come to cherish these moments. The God-given moments when my sweet girl lays her head on my swollen belly and I rock her to sleep gets me all teary eyed because as the old poem goes....

Cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow,

Babies grow up we've learnt to our sorrow,

So quiet cobwebs, dust go to sleep,

I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

Sometimes I think about the little boy kicking and moving around in my belly and how precious it is to think that he already knows his sister's voice. Also hoping that because he isn't as active as his sister was in the womb that it means he might be a little easier baby...just hoping. I can't imagine what life is going to be like with 2 kiddos under 2! Ok, I sometimes do imagine and then I have a private little freak out moment. Like what do I do when I'm nursing the baby and all of a sudden things have gotten too quiet...you know the the kind of quiet I'm talking about, that kind when your little one is most certainly into something they shouldn't be getting into. These freak out moments don't last long because mostly I can't believe that God has chosen to bless my husband and I with 2 precious little ones. I wish I could go back 4 years and tell myself to remain faithful in trusting the Lord to grow our family in HIS time and to find joy in my circumstances, because GOD IS FAITHFUL!

So lately I'm learning to: stop what I'm doing and play with my daughter; give her pots and pans to play with even if it means extra dishes to wash; sit on the couch and snuggle after naps even when there is lots to do; even if the sink is full of dirty dishes after dinner, sitting on the couch with my family of 3 and playing for 30 minutes is well worth putting those dishes off.  Will I continue to get frustrated when all of a sudden its 5:00 and I forgot to get the meat out to defrost for dinner OR Oops, that load of laundry I started 6 hours ago is still in the washer? Probably, but its ok if we don't eat until 7:30 or so what if I have to wash that load of laundry again, I'll never get those sweet moments back.  So when my frustration or exhaustion sets in, I pray that I'll remember it's all totally worth it and find my strength in Him.

To the Mommy's at Heart

As my first Mother's Day approaches I've had many thoughts on Motherhood. First of all, I'm so grateful to be a mommy to the sweetest, most precious, energetic, funny, adorable little 8 month old girl that I am blessed to call my daughter. Second, I have a new appreciation and sincere thankfulness for my mom. Both for how she cared for and raised me when I was younger and now how she helped me when Eliana was born and how she loves on my daughter when we are together.

Lastly, I remember the not so great feelings that Mother's Day brought up in the past. Mother's Day is a reminder to some women of their deepest heart's desire to be a mommy and the fact that no matter what they do their arms are still empty.  The past couple of weeks my heart has been heavy for these women and their husbands who struggle with infertility. Our journey through infertility didn't last as long as it has for some. Only 2 years, but I remember the ache of just wanting a baby of our own to rock to sleep at night, to hold in my arms and stare at for as long as I wanted, to be able to see my husband hold our sleeping child. I remember the excitement of finding out we were pregnant and the unexplainable grief when there was no heartbeat on the ultrasound. I know my husband remembers the nights in bed hearing me try to hide my crying (again) and holding me close because that was the only way he knew how to comfort me.

Several times this week I've heard the song Blessings by Laura Story on the radio. This song has a special place in my heart. The first time I heard it I was driving home after getting lab work done that would basically tell us if we had definitely lost our first baby. Here is just a portion of the song, the chorus and last verse:

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops

What if your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy

What if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are your mercies in disguise

Obviously I needed to hear this at that time. No matter what we are going through, it is part of God's will for our life. Trials are blessings, maybe not visible at the time you are going through them, but if you are a true believer in Jesus Christ and trust Him, you will see the blessing. You will come to understand His grace, mercy and peace if you seek Him through the trial.

These are not exactly memories I desire to relive, but its important for me to remember. I know what the Lord brought us through was not just a, "and this too shall pass" moment. Yes we may not battle with infertility today, but all of those tears and triumphs were for a greater purpose. As believers in a Sovereign God we must give Him glory! And we do! We give Him glory for the grace He bestowed on us through times when I have no other explanation for the peace we had. We give Him glory for others we have been able to Biblically encourage because of what He brought us through. We give Him glory for teaching us through His Word how to trust Him and His will.  We give Him glory for our precious Eliana and the unexpected blessing of the child I now carry.

Even though I've been through infertility, I sometimes find it difficult to know how to encourage other women who are going through this trial. I remember that words just sometimes didn't cut it. I appreciated the kindness, sensitivity and encouragement from others, but the only thing that really brought me comfort was scripture.

"You are good and what you do is good, teach me your decrees." 

Psalm 119:68

After we miscarried, a friend of mine who had miscarried several times, told me that when I was reading the Bible to underline, date and notate any verse that the Lord used to encourage me specifically about the baby we lost. That was some of the best advice, because I go back and reference those verses often to share with others. Now when I read the bible and I come across one of those verses, it is a reminder of the Lord's goodness and sovereignty.

"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we 

may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."

Hebrews 4:16

I pray the Lord uses this post to encourage those whose arms are empty on this Mother's day. I also hope that it gives some perspective to others who might know someone struggling through infertility.  If you are walking through your own journey of infertility and feel comfortable enough to share, I would love to pray with you and for you. To read more about our struggle and blessings with infertility read this post.

Surprise Blessing #2

Most of you probably have already heard that the Lord has blessed us with Baby #2 to arrive in November! First off I'll answer the 2 most popular questions:

1. No it wasn't planned. At least not in our plan, but it was in God's and that's the plan we desire.
2. Yes we know how it happened. :)

Back in March I had a week where I just thought I lacked motivation to get anything done.  I found myself sitting on the couch totally zoning out.  Towards the end of that week I started to feel nauseous and I considered pregnancy, but really didn't think it would be this easy for me to get pregnant. On Friday of that week I decided to take a test and before I had time to blink, those 2 little lines showed up!  I took another test just to make sure it wasn't a fluke! Unlike our first pregnancy when I wrapped a cute little baby outfit and gave it to Brendan to open and be surprised, I called my husband immediately at work.  Yep, he was surprised too!

We spent Easter at my in-laws with my parents and younger sister joining us.  We still wanted to wait to tell our family. As I was packing the night before we left, my sweet husband said, "You better pack some baggy clothes! You've got a belly already!" Really I didn't believe him, or maybe I was just in denial. After all I was only like 8 weeks along. On our drive home from Easter I was talking on the phone with another sister and told her our news. Later that evening she was talking to my mom who told her, "If I didn't know better I'd think Sara was pregnant." So I got a text and we went ahead and told our families. I then accepted the fact that yes, I was already showing and there was no hiding this pregnancy.

I have to say that the past several weeks have been pretty exhausting, but I'm amazed at how the Lord's grace sustains me. I'm still nursing so that adds to the normal fatigue during the first trimester. Then it took us about a week of very little sleep to realize that due to pregnancy hormones my milk is drying up. So supplementing here we come! That also means a baby who sleeps through the night now! Yeah!

Life over the next.....well for a while is going to be full of change, surprise, sleepless nights, sleepy smiles, newborn cuddles, crawling, walking, a first birthday, oh and so much more.

Here are a few more pictures of our "photo session" with Eliana.

Believing Faith

Yikes! It sure has been a while since I've blogged! Well, I have a cute little excuse. She's 6 months old, FULL of personality, louder than her mom and dad combined, giver of lots of smiles, and just my favorite little human being!

Ok, I couldn't blog without a little love for my girl. But I wanted to write about something the Lord has been in my face about this past week.  A week ago at our family small group we talked about worry, then my mom sent me a sermon on worry, and then our church had a ladies seminar they touched on the subject of worry.  When I heard the message about worry for the third time...well I started to worry! What!?! I found myself thinking, "Oh dear, if the Lord is this intent on teaching me about worry, that must mean there is a lesson ahead for me to implement what I'm learning." Seriously! I can't believe I was worrying about worry!

I'm not typically a worrier. In fact in my family I'm the optimist and my husband is the pessimist... or maybe more of a realist. Which is a good match for both of us. Even though I don't think I worry all that much,  now that I'm a mom, well...let the worrying begin.  Is she still breathing? What's that spot on her face? Did she get enough to eat? Will she be kind when she's older? Will I teach the Bible to her well? Will she come to know the Lord? I'm sure I'm not the only mom who has worried about the same things.

At the Ladies seminar, one of the speakers said something that really knocked the air out of me.

"Faith that is weak is manifested in worry." 

Whew! If my faith is week, it means I'm worrying.  As a believer in the Sovereign God, I believe that He sent His son, Jesus Christ to the earth as fully man and fully God. He sent Him to die for my sins, so that I don't have to pay for my own sins by eternal separation from God.  I completely believe that, and yet I still worry and try to control life's circumstances. 

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of 

the field grow. They do not labor or spin.  Yet I tell you that not 

even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 

If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here 

today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more 

clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall 

we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the 

pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows 

that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, 

and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry 

about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has 

enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:28-31

I love the last part of that verse. "Don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." This verse reminds me of all the "What ifs" that seem to plague my worrisome thoughts.  Dwelling on the "what ifs" never produce any good, they only contribute to our weak faith. We have no way of predicting what is going to happen, so why do we try and predict the worst outcome of whatever situation we are going through.  

Throughout the past 2 years I have been amazed at the sovereignty of the Lord.  We have walked in faith and He has blessed.  Was it always easy to trust and believe? No! But spending time in His Word, hearing His truth, and experiencing His grace results in a joy-filled and peaceful life on this earth. Peace through the storm. Peace that passes all understanding. Do you know what it's like to have joy and peace amidst some tough circumstances? I believe this is part of what having a believing faith looks like.  I've realized when I replace my "weak faith" thoughts with Truth from the Bible this is where my peace and joy come from.  

Ok, these are just some of my thoughts, I hope they make sense. :)  If you would like to hear more about Believing faith, I recommend that you go to the following links and listen to the speakers at our Ladies Seminar.

What is Believing Faith

Believing Faith in Practice

Ponderings from a new mom.....

Being the oldest of 4 girls and the first to have a grandchild on my side, I began thinking of advice that I would tell my sisters when they have their first baby.  I've told them that I already broke several of my "rules" that I had set before Eliana was born. Like......

• At hospital my baby will room in ONLY. ha...it took less than 4 hours for me to realize that all those moms who advised me to take advantage of the hospital nursery were 110% right.  During the first 2 hours of sleep, my aching body was out of bed 3 times to check on the baby because I heard her make a little sound or I needed to make sure she was still breathing or she started crying because she got her little arm out of her swaddling. Then I woke poor sleeping daddy to check on her once because I just couldn't make my legs move anymore. We both agreed she would go to the nursery....best thing I ever did. We both got MUCH NEEDED sleep. Our first night home, with the baby finally asleep, we looked at each other and said, "no nursery anymore" :( Bless those nursery nurses for taking care of my baby!
• I won't use the pacifier.... when you have a screaming baby and can't calm her down, the pacifier becomes your sanity saver.  I also said I wouldn't let her have it in bed....yeah she gets it in bed. 
• I'll be tough and let her cry herself to sleep. I'm tough....for about 2 minutes and then I can't stand it any longer.  I've become tougher, or as Brendan would say, my heart has become cold. :)  I do let her cry a little longer than 2 minutes, but sometimes the girl just needs her momma.

Nursing is natural; the way God designed it; the best for baby.... then why is it so darn difficult! We spent Eliana's first 6 weeks with a lactation consultant. For 6 weeks for e.v.e.r.y. feeding we nursed, pumped and fed her a bottle.  Each feeding lasted about an hour or more.  EXHAUSTING!   I'm so glad that for the first 2 weeks my mother in-law and my mom were there to help out. They would even get up for the night time feedings. Bless their hearts, they were so helpful! Around 7 weeks baby girl finally caught on to nursing and by 8 weeks the bottle was a thing of the past! So were night time feedings! Hello 8 straight hours of glorious sleep! It seriously does a body good!

In the first few weeks you spend most of your time consoling a crying baby, feeding your baby, changing your baby, or putting baby to sleep.  All the while trying to find a spare 15 minutes to take a shower just so you can feel human! More common advice from moms is to, "Sleep when baby sleeps." And ladies if you follow any advice follow this! It makes a much happier momma, a happier daddy, and just a happier home!  One day I didn't get a nap and I was a basket case! So my hubby became the nap nazi. He always asked me when he got home from work if I took a nap that day.  I really didn't stop taking naps until she started sleeping through the night. 

Here are some of my top picks on must have's for new mom's...ok, maybe you don't have to have them, but they made my life a little easier.

When parents tell you to, "Enjoy them because it flies by before you know it," listen to them.  I can't believe that I have a 2 month old!  Every day is different than the day before. The sweet noises of a cooing baby that fill my home put a smile on my face and tears of joy in my eyes